Monday, November 9, 2009

Crap Dungeon Horrible Films Presents: Dracula 3000

DRACULA 3000 (2004)
Darrel Roodt
Casper Van Dien
Erika Elaniak
Tom "Tiny" Lister
Udo Kier (WHAT?? NO!!)
1 hour, 26 minutes
RATING: BIG TURD (worse than zero)
You know, sometimes people come out with really good ideas. Clever ideas, and they end up being turned into cool movies. Well, the Sci-Fi Channel is where those ideas go to die. In 2000, we got a really cool vampire movie called DRACULA 200, about what Dracula would be like in our generation. It was a box-office hit and became a cult classic, and is a movie I still watch quite frequently. So, the douche bags at the Sci-Fi Channel (or SyFy, whatever their retarded new name is) decided "Let's make a movie that has absolutely NO relation to Dracula 2000, and make it called Dracula 3000. We'll put them in space, and cast Casper Van Dien as one of the most badass vampire hunters ever." And they DID. And it sucked harder than Jennifer Aniston's movies. We all know I'm not the biggest fan of the Sci-Fi Channels origional movies. Wh0 is? But this movie....this movie may just be worse than SKELETON MAN. Yeah, it's that bad.
PLOT (Or lack of it)-
It's Dracula in the future, basically. Apperently Transylvania's a planet now. And all the vampires have problems showing any kind of emotion. And Casper Van Dien plays Van Helsing. Yeah, it's as dumb as it sounds.
Dracula 300 has to be one of THE worst movies I've ever seen in my life. It has awful direction, god-awful acting, terrible special FX. Oh, yeah, and it's FUCKING STUPID! Jesus, where to begin with what's wrong with a movie that can only be defined as "mental castration"?
How about staring with the direction, which majorly blows! Seriousely, Derrell Roodt (or whatever the fuck his name is, I don't care at this point) is one of the biggest hacks I've ever seen. All he did was use cliches and techniques used in much better sci-fi movies. Oh, look! It's the long space visuals from 2001: A SPACE ODDYSSEY! Oh, look! It's the slow and grainy camera angles from ALIEN! No origionality, his editing sucked, there was no tension, and it was obviouse that he was a hack! Jesus, and I thought Uwe Boll was bad! At least his movies are unintentionally funny, and he has SOME origionality with his techniques! Fuck an elephant, this guy sucks....
Roodt(?)'s screenplay wasn't any better. The movie made no sense, had no respect for the Dracula story, no character development, and, again, it was FUCKING STUPID! This is seriousely one of the dumbest fucking movies I've ever seen. It's as though he wrote down a bad DRACULA spoof as a joke, and it accidently was distributed! I mean, Casper Van Dien as Van Helsing, are you HIGH?? Jesus fuck a watermelon....
And don't even get me STARTED on this "movies's" abysmal acting. Christ, I've seen more emotion in a goddamn Chris Klein movie! Let's start with Casper Van Dien. Again, who's cracked up idea was it to have CASPER VAN DIEN PLAY VAN HELSING???!!! Are you HIGH??? God, what a bland performance. I honestly thought he was playing a rock, I really did. Seriousely, my kidney stones emote better than this asshole! Sucks, because he was really good in STARSHIP TROOPERS and SLEEPY HOLLOW. I don't know why he keeps making movies for the Sci-Fi Channel, surely even he must realize that Uwe Boll makes better movies then them! Goddamn it....
Everyone else sucks. Coolio was just...THERE as 187 (the amount of minutes I spent screaming at the DVD like a senile old man screams at mice). Just...THERE. Seriousely I don't remember a thing about his acting. I'm still in shock that Udo Kier agreed to be in this peice of shit. Seriousely, Udo, you're better than that. Nevertheless, he was the only one who gave an even remotely tolerable performance. Kier was definately the best actor in this, but that's really not saying much.
Overall, DRACULA 3000 should be a preferred method of torture in most countries. It's THAT bad. It has no relation to DRACULA 2000, and is literally the dumbest movie I've seen in a LONG time. The Sci-Fi Channel really needs to stopmaking these.

Wednesday, November 4, 2009

Watchmen (2009)


Directed By:
Zack Snyder
Jackie Earle Haley as Rorschach
Patrick Wilson as Night Owl
Billy Crudup as Dr. Manhatten
Jeffery Dean Morgan as The Comedian
Year- 2009
Running Time- 2 hours, 42 minutes
RATING: 4.5 out of 5

Now, I'm a huge fan of comics. I've loved them since I was a kid. And even though I love a few DC Comics characters (Batman, The Flash, and Green Lantern especially), I will ALWAYS be a Marvel guy. I've always thought that Marvel made better comics than DC, and I like pretty much all of their heroes, especially Spiderman, The X-Men, Daredevil, Blade, the Hulk, and the Punisher. One of my favourite comics Marvel came out with was a popular miniseries from the 1980s called THE WATCHMEN. It was praised for its gritty and dark atmosphere, its ruthless and badass characters, and its mature content, which was rare for a comic series in the 80s. Obviousely, when I heard that Zack Snyder, the guy behind the awesome 300 and the very awesome DAWN OF THE DEAD remake, was helming a film adaptation of WATCHMEN, I was pumped. I went to the theatre with some buddies when it came out, and it was one of the funnest moviegoing experiances I've ever had.


In an alternate 1985 , the country is on the verge of a nuclear war and masked heroes have outlawed. Once part of a vigilante team known as the Watchmen, they have disbanded. Silver Spectre (Malin Ackerman) and the Night Owl (Patrcik Wilson) are retired, and Adrian Veidt (Matthew Goode) is now the CEO of a major company. Only three of the Watchmen are still active: Dr. Manhatten (Billy Crudup) and The Comedian (Jeffery Dean Morgan) are working for the government, and the team's former leader Rorschach (Jackie Earle Haley in his most awesome role so far) is fighting crime illegally, without government backing, causing him to be a wanted man among the authorities. One night, a mysteriouse assassin murders the Comedian, leading Rorschach to believe that someone is hunting down masked heroes, and he seeks out his former teamates in an attempt to save the heroes, and possibley, the country.


Watchmen has to be one of my favourite movies of 2009. I love comic book movies (especially the Spiderman movies, the first two Superman movies, Tim Burton's BATMAN and BATMAN RETURNS, and the Dark Knight), and this is one of the best comic book movies I've seen in a LONG time. Where to begin on what makes this movie awesome?

Let's start with Zack Snyder's direction. I love this dude, he always makes very balls-to-the-wall movies and is a master of atmosphere, pacing, and fight/battle scenes. He directs WATCHMEN perfectly, and I think this is one of his best films. The atmosphere and mood is fantastic, giving a dark, gritty, and gloomy feel to this alternate 1985, g=really making us believe that the country was on the verge of nuclear war. I certainly wouldn't want to live in THIS 1985!
The acting is really great in this, and is one of the film's best aspects. Jeffery Dean Morgan (who looks EXACTLY like Robert Downey Jr.) is great as the Comedian. Here's a guy who's a complete douche bag, and has done some horrible stuff, and yet you can't help but like him due to his charismatic nature that Morgan portrayed perfectly. He was funny, witty, and one tough motherfucker. Patrick Wilson was also very good as the Nite Owl. He really captures the feeling of a retired hero who's past his prime and feels empty without fighting crime. I hope to see him in more roles in the near future. Billy Crudup was OK as Doctor Manhatten, but I couldn't really enjoy his performance becuase I HATED Doctor Manhatten. Seriousely, I HATED that character, he was annoying, pretentiouse, a dick, a fucking cry-baby, and showed his penis in EVERY GOD DAMN SCENE! But, Crudup did a good job playing him, and he IS a good actor, but he played an annoying character.
But the best actor, by far, was Jackie Earle Haley as Rorschach (my favourite performance of his EVER). This guy was one badass superhero I would NOT want to fuck with! He wore a trenchcoat, never took off his mask until it was forced off him, and beat the living shit out of anyone who got in his way, even killing quite a few people. He was like Batman, with his badassness and detective work. And I'll be damned if, during his unmasked scene in prison, he didn't look like a young Clint Eastwood in ESCAPE FROM ALCATRAZ. I have to admit, when I heard the kid from the origional BAD NEWS BEARS (still one of my favourite baseball comedies ever) was going to play, Rorschach, one of the most ruthless and tough superheroes ever depicted in a comic book, I was skeptical at first. It was like my reaction when I heard Heath Ledger would play the Joker. I love Heath Ledger, but I couldn't see him in the role. Then the DARK KNIGHT came out, and I was blown out of the water by his performance. It was the same with Haley, he really blew me out of the water. Plus, he had all the great lines. Especially this one: "And all the whores and the politicians will look up to the skies and shout 'SAVE US', and I'll whisper...'NO'." Plus, that prison scene rocked! Just a fantastic performance by Haley.
Everyone else was good, but no one really caught my attention the way Wilson, Morgan, and especially Haley did. So the acting was great overall.
Overall, WATCHMEN is an awesome superhero film, and one of my favourite films of 2009. I will DEFINATELY buy this first chance I get! I highly reccomend this!
Here's that awesome prison scene that I was talking about: