Crap Dungeon Horrible Films Presents: Dragonball Evolution (2009)

STARRING:

Justin Chatwin

Emily Rossum

Joon Park

Chow Yun-Fat



Directed By: James Wong



Running Time: 1 hour, 25 minutes



Year: 2009



Rating: 1 0ut of 5

Now, most of you who grew up in the 90's, like me, probabely remember Dragonball and Dragonball Z. They were both kickass shows that are still fun to this day. I remember going home after school and turning on Toonami (which Cartoon Network just cancelled-good job CN, you cancelled your best program!) and watching Dragonball and DBZ. Now, I'd say I was definately a bigger DBZ fan, but I also loved Dragonball (the series before DBZ). And now, 20th Century Fox has raped another treasured childhood memory...

PLOT- Goku (Justin Chatwin) is a young teenager with some inner chi who is picked on in high school. One day, the evil Lord Piccolo returns to Earth and kills Goku's grandfather Gohan. Goku travels to learn from the legendary Master Roshi (Chow Yun-Fat), and from then on, the childhood raping fully begins...

REVIEW- I can't tell you how much this movie pissed me off. It wasn't only a bad movie, it absolutely ruined a show that was a big part of my childhood, kinda like what the 1998 crap-fest "Batman & Robin" ruined Batman for me. This movie is absolutely NOTHING like Dragonball aside from the names of the characters. And boy, what characters they were (rolls eyes in sarcasm).

Every character that was awesome in Dragonball sucked in Dragonball Evolution. Bulma, who was tough, cute, and funny in the show, was a Lara Croft wannabe with an annoing voice in this. Piccolo wasn't even that green. In fact, he was more yellowish....what the hell? Master Roshi was the best portrayed character in the movie, and even HE wasn't half as good as the Roshi from the show. Those who watched the show know what I'm talking about. Yamcha, who was a badass character in the show, didn't even fight in here! What the fuck! And where the hell was Krillin?? He was a damn important character in the show!

But the worst by far was what they did to Goku. First, let me give you some understanding of the character if you didn't watch the show. In the show, Goku was an innocent, cute, and overall cool kid, between 10 and 12, who was a VERY good fighter. He lived in the woods until he and Krillin started training with Master Roshi. Overall, he was one of the best child characters portrayed on a TV show. In the movie, however, Goku is some emo kid who rides his BIKE to school. WHY THE HELL IS GOKU IN HIGH SCHOOL??!! Goku grew up in the woods, putting him in high school is just stupid! He's bullied, yet never even tries to punch the bullies. The Goku from the show would have beaten these kids in no time! He's not nearly as good a fighter as he was in the show, and his age was all wrong! In the movie, he's like 18! Goku should be at least 10 years old, or maybe 14 at the oldest. The movie's Goku was like a totally different person from the show.

The screenplay's absolutely atrosciouse. Just look at some of the lines:
"What are you gals doing out at this time of night?"
*blush* "Nothing..."
"Doesn't this temple have a curfew?"
Hardy-fuckin'-har-har. That was the worst line I have ever heard. Need I say more?

James Wong's direction sucked. He obviousely had no knowledge of Dragonball or any of the characters, and it shows in the film. Honestly, the film's producer, Stephen Chow, should have directed this. Chow actually IS a Dragonball fan, and if he directed OR wrote it, maybe the movie would have been better. James Wong, I used to like you, but now you have to redeem yourself for me to like you again. I don't take kindly to you raping my childhood.

The acting pretty much sucked. Justin Chatwin, who I really like and who is a very good actor, was a horrible choice to play Goku. He doesn't look anything like the kid Goku from Dragonball OR the adult Goku from Dragonball Z. He just didn't fit the role at all, and it was an evident case of bad casting. It would be the equivelent of casting Elijah Wood as Hannibal Lector. I love Elijah Wood, but he wouldn't fit that role at all. Emily Rossum annoyed me as Bulma. She played the character all wrong, and that voice she did annoyed the hell out of me. Joon Park disn't do anything for me as Yamcha. It doesn't help that he looks NOTHING like the actual character. Another example of bad casting. James Marsters looked really bored as Piccolo, like he was just sleepwalking through the role. Chow Yun-Fat is probabely the best actor aside from Chatwin, but he, unlike Chatwin, was an OK choice for his role. I could easily see him as Roshi, and he did show some attributes of Roshi from the show. Anyone who watched the show will tell you that Roshi was the man.

WRAP-UP: Overall, Dragonball Evolution scuked and was a huge slap in the face to Dragonball fans everywhere. Stick to watching the show, like me, because the movie is just rape.

Assault on Precinct 13 (1976)

STARRING...

Austin Stoker
Darwin Joston
Nancy Loomis
Charles Cyphers
Henry Brandon

Directed By:
John Carpenter

Genre: Action, Exploitation, Thriller

Running Time: 1 hour, 31 minutes

Rating: 5 out of 5




I'd say that John Carpenter is certainly one of my favourite filmakers. The guy's so creative and multi-talented, you've gotta love him. From his horror films like HALLOWEEN, THE THING, and THE FOG, to his action films like ESCAPE FROM NEW YORK and BIG TROUBLE IN LITTLE CHINA, Carpenter is certainly a great filmaker. However, one of my favourites of his is his second feature film, the highly acclaimed exploitation flick ASSAULT ON PRECINCT 13. Let's see just what makes this one of my favourite action movies...

PLOT- The LAPD's oldest station, Precinct 9, Division 13, is closing down. Highway Patrolman Ethan Bishop (Austin Stoker) is assigned to run it during its last day. However, the Street Thunder Gang has worn a blood oath to kill every cop in the station. Lt Bishop, a few cops, and the station's risoners team up in a fight for survival. Will they survive the night?

REVIEW- This has to be one of my favourite action/exploitation movies of all time, next to the origional GONE IN 60 SECONDS and ESCAPE FROM NEW YORK. The movie is so ballsy and intense for that time, you've gotta love it. For example, at the time it was unthinkable to have a little girl killed onscreen, and the MPAA even told Carpenter to cut that scene to get an R rating. So Carpenter cut the scene from one copy and showed it to the MPAA, then released it with the scene intact. That was a most awesome move, Mr. Carpenter, and I salute you for that.

The writing is fantastic. John Carpenter, who also directed, produced, and composed the music, does an excellent job in making the characters likeable and realistic. Certainly an example of great screenwriting right there.

Carpenter's direction is also great, pacing the film perfectly and choreographing the action scenes perfectly. I mean, those action sequences were intense as hell! The man is an extremely talented filmaker, it's a shame Hollywood screwed him over in the 90s.

The characters are all great. Ethan Bishop is certainly one of my favourite action heros aside from Snake Plissken, James Bond, and Ethan Hunt. He's just a normal guy who just wants to go home, but becomes a badass hero when his friends' lives are in danger. Napolean Wilson is the man, and although he's a convicted murderer on Death Row, you really root for him when he teams up with Bishop to protect the station. My other favourite character from the movie is Lawson, who becomes silent and catonic due to the shock of seeing his 5-year-old daughter shot by one of the Street Thunder. And boy, his revenge is awesome!

The acting is top notch here by all the actors. Austin Stoker, who is famous for being in sci-fi and blaxploitation films, is very badass here as Ethan Bishop. He really crafts a great hero right here who we all root for. Darwin Joston is also very awesome as Napolean Wilson. Nancy Loomis does an okay job as Julie, but she wasn't in the film enough to really make an impression on me. And Martin West is certainly very good as Lawson. Another noteworthy performance is Henry Brandon as Chaney, who gives a very good action g performance, although he isn't in the film much.

John Carpenter's musical score is probabely my second favourite score of his, only succeded by his HALLOWEEN score. Great use of synthesizers.

WRAP UP- Assault on Precinct 13 is one of the best action/exploitation films of the 1970s, and should be watched by any Carpenter fan, or fan of action movies. This is definately one of my favourite movies of his.

Crap Dungeon Horrible Films Presents: The Wicker Man (2006)

STARRING....

Nicholas Cage
Ellen Bursten
Leelee Sobiesky

Genre: Horror

Running Time- 1 hour, 41 minutes

Year- 2006

Rating- BIG TURD





Ah, you know what I like? Horror films. You know what else I like? Nicholas Cage movies. So why is it that I hate this movie, a horror film WITH Nicholas Cage, with every bone in my body? Is it because it's a remake of one of my favourite horror films of all time? Is it because they turned Lord Summerisle into a woman? Is it because the movie sucks? Well, yes. This movie sucks harder than Paris Hilton on a stranger's cock. So let's see why this movie made me want to commit Scepiku...

PLOT- You know the fucking plot!

REVIEW- It's no secret that I hate remakes. Sure, we occasionally get a good one, but mostly they're piles of hot shit. I don't mind if they remake a film that I didn't like in the first place, but when they remake a film that I absolutely love and they ruin everything about it, then we have a BIG problem. As you know, THE WICKER MAN is one of my favourite horror movies. Well, in this horrendouse pile of shit, they ruin EVERYTHING, and I mean EVERYTHING, that was good about the origional.

The script, if you could call it that, is absolutely horrendouse. The dialogue's boring and stiff as hell, and the changes they made are just awful. For one, they turned Lord Summerisle, played menacingly and chillingly by Christopher Lee in the origional, into Sister Summerisle. That's right, they changed one of my favourite horror villians ever, into a woman. I'm not sexist at all, but that change was completely retarded. Come to think of it, the whole thing about turning Summerisle into an island filled with women is retarded. They basically turned it into CHILDREN OF THE CORN, but with women. They couldn't PAY me to make this stuff up.

The characters all suck. Officer Mallus, Cage's character, is so one-dimensional, I expected him to turn into paper halfway through the movie. He didn't seem genuinely concerned, like Constable Howie was in the origional, and he wasn't even a religiouse prick, like in the origional! His ex-fiance Willow was just the same. And I won't even get STARTED on how much I hated Sister Summerisle! Sister Honey annoyed the hell out of me, I hated every scene she was in.

The atmosphere was totally off. The origional had a perfect Scottish, cheerful atmosphere that fitted it so well. Of course, Hollywood thinks that Americans are superior to everyone else, so they Americanized this film. As a man born in Scotland, I take offense to that. They had the nerve to make this into a creepy movie with jump scares. THE WICKER MAN is NOT a movie with jump scares. It was a smart, intelligent movie with scares that involve suspense and tension, not a ghost jumping out from a shadow. Jesus fucking Christ....

The acting here is horrible. Nicholas Cage, who I really like, is wooden to the tenth degree here. I expected him to turn into a rock. Kate Beahan is pretty much the same. Leelee Sobiesky, who I also like, is really bad here, but that's mainly due to the fact that her character sucks. God, what happened to movies like JOY RIDE and HERE ON EARTH? She needs a new agent, that's for sure. And what the hell was with Sister Summerisle, she sucked! I heard that Christopher Lee went to the premier of this movie and WALKED OUT when he saw what they did to his character from the origional.

WRAP UP- Skip this movie. Burn it. Throw it in a lake. Whatever you do, don't watch it. It completely ruins a classic horror film and shows just how ignorant Hollywood is these days. I had to watch the origional while writing this to stop myself from commiting Scepiku. God, what a bad movie....

The Wicker Man (1973)

STARRING:

Edward Woodward
Christopher Lee
Diane Cilento
Ingrid Pitt
Britt Ekland

Directed By: Robin Hardy

Genre: Horror, Mystery

Running Time: 1 hour, 40 minutes

Rating: 4 out 0f 5


I don't think it's any secret that most horror movies made before 2001 were pretty awesome. Most we remember, such as Halloween and A Nightmare on Elm Street, but there are quite a few that become forgotten by most people. One of these movies is certainly THE WICKER MAN. No, not the crappy Nicholas Cage movie from 2006. The origional WICKER MAN from 1973 is considered one of the most shocking and odd British films ever made, and is today considered a cult classic among horror fans. Of course, Hollywood had to fuck with it, coming out with that horrible 2006 remake which was almmost imediately forgotten. Not only is this a great horror film, it introduced horror icon Christopher Lee, known for his roles in DRACULA and the STAR WARS prequels, to a new generation.





PLOT: A Scottish constable travels to the isolated island of Summerisle to investigate the report of a missing girl. Once there, the constable, a devout Christian, is disgusted at the Pagan religion of the residents and even more confused at the claims that the girl never existed.





REVIEW: This is definately one of the best foreign horror films I've ever seen. It really broke the boundaries for that time, even got an X rating, and didn't care what the rating systems thought. I love the fact that it accomplished so much without any gore or "jump scares" that Hollywood seems to love these days, and simply relied on the plot and shocking twists to scare us.





The screenplay by Anthony Shaffer is great, giving incredible character development and beleivable dialouge. Robin Hardy's direction, while not the best I've ever seen, is very good. He really crafts a unique film here, although at times the pacing is slow, and there are some dull moments. However, he certainly put alot of suspense in the movie, so I give him props.





The characters in THE WICKER MAN are very beleivable. Willow, the landlord's daughter, was very charming, although she's not in the film alot. Constable Howie, the film's protagonist, is kind of a dick. I mean, I respect the fact that he just wants to find a missing girl, but he's just completely ignorant of anyone's religion that isn't Christianity. Of course the islanders' religion is odd (not as odd as Scientology, though), but don't be a douche to people because they don't beleive the same things you do. Still, I did feel for the guy at the end. My favourite character was actually the film's antagonist, Lord Summerisle. He doesn't actually appear until about 50 minutes into the movie, but shit, did he leave an impression! Definately one of my favourite villians right there.





The acting is fantastic in this. Edward Woodward was very believable as Constable Willow. He really did a great job at playing a religiouse prick, and his performance at the last scene was so good, I forgot he was acting. Diane Cillento was good as the schoolteacher, altough she wasn't in the film too much.

The best actor, hands down, is Christopher Lee as Lord Summerisle. He doesn't show up until about 50 minutes into the movie, but damn does he leave an impression! The guy's a marvelous actor, and he really puts everything into this character. His performance at the final scene was just chilling, as well. Lord Summerisle is certainly my favourite performance of his.

WRAP UP- Overall, THE WICKER MAN is a classic British horror film that every horror fan should see. Wait, now I have to review that damn remake....NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!