STARRING....Nicholas Cage
Ellen Bursten
Leelee Sobiesky
Genre: Horror
Running Time- 1 hour, 41 minutes
Year- 2006
Rating- BIG TURD
Ah, you know what I like? Horror films. You know what else I like? Nicholas Cage movies. So why is it that I hate this movie, a horror film WITH Nicholas Cage, with every bone in my body? Is it because it's a remake of one of my favourite horror films of all time? Is it because they turned Lord Summerisle into a woman? Is it because the movie sucks? Well, yes. This movie sucks harder than Paris Hilton on a stranger's cock. So let's see why this movie made me want to commit Scepiku...
PLOT- You know the fucking plot!
REVIEW- It's no secret that I hate remakes. Sure, we occasionally get a good one, but mostly they're piles of hot shit. I don't mind if they remake a film that I didn't like in the first place, but when they remake a film that I absolutely love and they ruin everything about it, then we have a BIG problem. As you know, THE WICKER MAN is one of my favourite horror movies. Well, in this horrendouse pile of shit, they ruin EVERYTHING, and I mean EVERYTHING, that was good about the origional.
The script, if you could call it that, is absolutely horrendouse. The dialogue's boring and stiff as hell, and the changes they made are just awful. For one, they turned Lord Summerisle, played menacingly and chillingly by Christopher Lee in the origional, into Sister Summerisle. That's right, they changed one of my favourite horror villians ever, into a woman. I'm not sexist at all, but that change was completely retarded. Come to think of it, the whole thing about turning Summerisle into an island filled with women is retarded. They basically turned it into CHILDREN OF THE CORN, but with women. They couldn't PAY me to make this stuff up.
The characters all suck. Officer Mallus, Cage's character, is so one-dimensional, I expected him to turn into paper halfway through the movie. He didn't seem genuinely concerned, like Constable Howie was in the origional, and he wasn't even a religiouse prick, like in the origional! His ex-fiance Willow was just the same. And I won't even get STARTED on how much I hated Sister Summerisle! Sister Honey annoyed the hell out of me, I hated every scene she was in.
The atmosphere was totally off. The origional had a perfect Scottish, cheerful atmosphere that fitted it so well. Of course, Hollywood thinks that Americans are superior to everyone else, so they Americanized this film. As a man born in Scotland, I take offense to that. They had the nerve to make this into a creepy movie with jump scares. THE WICKER MAN is NOT a movie with jump scares. It was a smart, intelligent movie with scares that involve suspense and tension, not a ghost jumping out from a shadow. Jesus fucking Christ....
The acting here is horrible. Nicholas Cage, who I really like, is wooden to the tenth degree here. I expected him to turn into a rock. Kate Beahan is pretty much the same. Leelee Sobiesky, who I also like, is really bad here, but that's mainly due to the fact that her character sucks. God, what happened to movies like JOY RIDE and HERE ON EARTH? She needs a new agent, that's for sure. And what the hell was with Sister Summerisle, she sucked! I heard that Christopher Lee went to the premier of this movie and WALKED OUT when he saw what they did to his character from the origional.
WRAP UP- Skip this movie. Burn it. Throw it in a lake. Whatever you do, don't watch it. It completely ruins a classic horror film and shows just how ignorant Hollywood is these days. I had to watch the origional while writing this to stop myself from commiting Scepiku. God, what a bad movie....
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