Crap Dungeon Horrible Films Presents: Dracula 3000

DRACULA 3000 (2004)

DIRECTED BY:

Darrel Roodt

STARRING:

Casper Van Dien

Erika Elaniak

Tom "Tiny" Lister

Udo Kier (WHAT?? NO!!)

Coolio

RUNNING TIME:

1 hour, 26 minutes

RATING: BIG TURD (worse than zero)

You know, sometimes people come out with really good ideas. Clever ideas, and they end up being turned into cool movies. Well, the Sci-Fi Channel is where those ideas go to die. In 2000, we got a really cool vampire movie called DRACULA 200, about what Dracula would be like in our generation. It was a box-office hit and became a cult classic, and is a movie I still watch quite frequently. So, the douche bags at the Sci-Fi Channel (or SyFy, whatever their retarded new name is) decided "Let's make a movie that has absolutely NO relation to Dracula 2000, and make it called Dracula 3000. We'll put them in space, and cast Casper Van Dien as one of the most badass vampire hunters ever." And they DID. And it sucked harder than Jennifer Aniston's movies. We all know I'm not the biggest fan of the Sci-Fi Channels origional movies. Wh0 is? But this movie....this movie may just be worse than SKELETON MAN. Yeah, it's that bad.

PLOT (Or lack of it)-

It's Dracula in the future, basically. Apperently Transylvania's a planet now. And all the vampires have problems showing any kind of emotion. And Casper Van Dien plays Van Helsing. Yeah, it's as dumb as it sounds.

REVIEW-

Dracula 300 has to be one of THE worst movies I've ever seen in my life. It has awful direction, god-awful acting, terrible special FX. Oh, yeah, and it's FUCKING STUPID! Jesus, where to begin with what's wrong with a movie that can only be defined as "mental castration"?

How about staring with the direction, which majorly blows! Seriousely, Derrell Roodt (or whatever the fuck his name is, I don't care at this point) is one of the biggest hacks I've ever seen. All he did was use cliches and techniques used in much better sci-fi movies. Oh, look! It's the long space visuals from 2001: A SPACE ODDYSSEY! Oh, look! It's the slow and grainy camera angles from ALIEN! No origionality, his editing sucked, there was no tension, and it was obviouse that he was a hack! Jesus, and I thought Uwe Boll was bad! At least his movies are unintentionally funny, and he has SOME origionality with his techniques! Fuck an elephant, this guy sucks....

Roodt(?)'s screenplay wasn't any better. The movie made no sense, had no respect for the Dracula story, no character development, and, again, it was FUCKING STUPID! This is seriousely one of the dumbest fucking movies I've ever seen. It's as though he wrote down a bad DRACULA spoof as a joke, and it accidently was distributed! I mean, Casper Van Dien as Van Helsing, are you HIGH?? Jesus fuck a watermelon....

And don't even get me STARTED on this "movies's" abysmal acting. Christ, I've seen more emotion in a goddamn Chris Klein movie! Let's start with Casper Van Dien. Again, who's cracked up idea was it to have CASPER VAN DIEN PLAY VAN HELSING???!!! Are you HIGH??? God, what a bland performance. I honestly thought he was playing a rock, I really did. Seriousely, my kidney stones emote better than this asshole! Sucks, because he was really good in STARSHIP TROOPERS and SLEEPY HOLLOW. I don't know why he keeps making movies for the Sci-Fi Channel, surely even he must realize that Uwe Boll makes better movies then them! Goddamn it....

Everyone else sucks. Coolio was just...THERE as 187 (the amount of minutes I spent screaming at the DVD like a senile old man screams at mice). Just...THERE. Seriousely I don't remember a thing about his acting. I'm still in shock that Udo Kier agreed to be in this peice of shit. Seriousely, Udo, you're better than that. Nevertheless, he was the only one who gave an even remotely tolerable performance. Kier was definately the best actor in this, but that's really not saying much.

Overall, DRACULA 3000 should be a preferred method of torture in most countries. It's THAT bad. It has no relation to DRACULA 2000, and is literally the dumbest movie I've seen in a LONG time. The Sci-Fi Channel really needs to stopmaking these.

Crap Dungeon Horrible Films Presents: The Wicker Man (2006)

STARRING....

Nicholas Cage
Ellen Bursten
Leelee Sobiesky

Genre: Horror

Running Time- 1 hour, 41 minutes

Year- 2006

Rating- BIG TURD





Ah, you know what I like? Horror films. You know what else I like? Nicholas Cage movies. So why is it that I hate this movie, a horror film WITH Nicholas Cage, with every bone in my body? Is it because it's a remake of one of my favourite horror films of all time? Is it because they turned Lord Summerisle into a woman? Is it because the movie sucks? Well, yes. This movie sucks harder than Paris Hilton on a stranger's cock. So let's see why this movie made me want to commit Scepiku...

PLOT- You know the fucking plot!

REVIEW- It's no secret that I hate remakes. Sure, we occasionally get a good one, but mostly they're piles of hot shit. I don't mind if they remake a film that I didn't like in the first place, but when they remake a film that I absolutely love and they ruin everything about it, then we have a BIG problem. As you know, THE WICKER MAN is one of my favourite horror movies. Well, in this horrendouse pile of shit, they ruin EVERYTHING, and I mean EVERYTHING, that was good about the origional.

The script, if you could call it that, is absolutely horrendouse. The dialogue's boring and stiff as hell, and the changes they made are just awful. For one, they turned Lord Summerisle, played menacingly and chillingly by Christopher Lee in the origional, into Sister Summerisle. That's right, they changed one of my favourite horror villians ever, into a woman. I'm not sexist at all, but that change was completely retarded. Come to think of it, the whole thing about turning Summerisle into an island filled with women is retarded. They basically turned it into CHILDREN OF THE CORN, but with women. They couldn't PAY me to make this stuff up.

The characters all suck. Officer Mallus, Cage's character, is so one-dimensional, I expected him to turn into paper halfway through the movie. He didn't seem genuinely concerned, like Constable Howie was in the origional, and he wasn't even a religiouse prick, like in the origional! His ex-fiance Willow was just the same. And I won't even get STARTED on how much I hated Sister Summerisle! Sister Honey annoyed the hell out of me, I hated every scene she was in.

The atmosphere was totally off. The origional had a perfect Scottish, cheerful atmosphere that fitted it so well. Of course, Hollywood thinks that Americans are superior to everyone else, so they Americanized this film. As a man born in Scotland, I take offense to that. They had the nerve to make this into a creepy movie with jump scares. THE WICKER MAN is NOT a movie with jump scares. It was a smart, intelligent movie with scares that involve suspense and tension, not a ghost jumping out from a shadow. Jesus fucking Christ....

The acting here is horrible. Nicholas Cage, who I really like, is wooden to the tenth degree here. I expected him to turn into a rock. Kate Beahan is pretty much the same. Leelee Sobiesky, who I also like, is really bad here, but that's mainly due to the fact that her character sucks. God, what happened to movies like JOY RIDE and HERE ON EARTH? She needs a new agent, that's for sure. And what the hell was with Sister Summerisle, she sucked! I heard that Christopher Lee went to the premier of this movie and WALKED OUT when he saw what they did to his character from the origional.

WRAP UP- Skip this movie. Burn it. Throw it in a lake. Whatever you do, don't watch it. It completely ruins a classic horror film and shows just how ignorant Hollywood is these days. I had to watch the origional while writing this to stop myself from commiting Scepiku. God, what a bad movie....