Monday, November 9, 2009

Crap Dungeon Horrible Films Presents: Dracula 3000

DRACULA 3000 (2004)
Darrel Roodt
Casper Van Dien
Erika Elaniak
Tom "Tiny" Lister
Udo Kier (WHAT?? NO!!)
1 hour, 26 minutes
RATING: BIG TURD (worse than zero)
You know, sometimes people come out with really good ideas. Clever ideas, and they end up being turned into cool movies. Well, the Sci-Fi Channel is where those ideas go to die. In 2000, we got a really cool vampire movie called DRACULA 200, about what Dracula would be like in our generation. It was a box-office hit and became a cult classic, and is a movie I still watch quite frequently. So, the douche bags at the Sci-Fi Channel (or SyFy, whatever their retarded new name is) decided "Let's make a movie that has absolutely NO relation to Dracula 2000, and make it called Dracula 3000. We'll put them in space, and cast Casper Van Dien as one of the most badass vampire hunters ever." And they DID. And it sucked harder than Jennifer Aniston's movies. We all know I'm not the biggest fan of the Sci-Fi Channels origional movies. Wh0 is? But this movie....this movie may just be worse than SKELETON MAN. Yeah, it's that bad.
PLOT (Or lack of it)-
It's Dracula in the future, basically. Apperently Transylvania's a planet now. And all the vampires have problems showing any kind of emotion. And Casper Van Dien plays Van Helsing. Yeah, it's as dumb as it sounds.
Dracula 300 has to be one of THE worst movies I've ever seen in my life. It has awful direction, god-awful acting, terrible special FX. Oh, yeah, and it's FUCKING STUPID! Jesus, where to begin with what's wrong with a movie that can only be defined as "mental castration"?
How about staring with the direction, which majorly blows! Seriousely, Derrell Roodt (or whatever the fuck his name is, I don't care at this point) is one of the biggest hacks I've ever seen. All he did was use cliches and techniques used in much better sci-fi movies. Oh, look! It's the long space visuals from 2001: A SPACE ODDYSSEY! Oh, look! It's the slow and grainy camera angles from ALIEN! No origionality, his editing sucked, there was no tension, and it was obviouse that he was a hack! Jesus, and I thought Uwe Boll was bad! At least his movies are unintentionally funny, and he has SOME origionality with his techniques! Fuck an elephant, this guy sucks....
Roodt(?)'s screenplay wasn't any better. The movie made no sense, had no respect for the Dracula story, no character development, and, again, it was FUCKING STUPID! This is seriousely one of the dumbest fucking movies I've ever seen. It's as though he wrote down a bad DRACULA spoof as a joke, and it accidently was distributed! I mean, Casper Van Dien as Van Helsing, are you HIGH?? Jesus fuck a watermelon....
And don't even get me STARTED on this "movies's" abysmal acting. Christ, I've seen more emotion in a goddamn Chris Klein movie! Let's start with Casper Van Dien. Again, who's cracked up idea was it to have CASPER VAN DIEN PLAY VAN HELSING???!!! Are you HIGH??? God, what a bland performance. I honestly thought he was playing a rock, I really did. Seriousely, my kidney stones emote better than this asshole! Sucks, because he was really good in STARSHIP TROOPERS and SLEEPY HOLLOW. I don't know why he keeps making movies for the Sci-Fi Channel, surely even he must realize that Uwe Boll makes better movies then them! Goddamn it....
Everyone else sucks. Coolio was just...THERE as 187 (the amount of minutes I spent screaming at the DVD like a senile old man screams at mice). Just...THERE. Seriousely I don't remember a thing about his acting. I'm still in shock that Udo Kier agreed to be in this peice of shit. Seriousely, Udo, you're better than that. Nevertheless, he was the only one who gave an even remotely tolerable performance. Kier was definately the best actor in this, but that's really not saying much.
Overall, DRACULA 3000 should be a preferred method of torture in most countries. It's THAT bad. It has no relation to DRACULA 2000, and is literally the dumbest movie I've seen in a LONG time. The Sci-Fi Channel really needs to stopmaking these.

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